www.october15th.com (Pregnancy loss awareness day)

On November 10, 2004 my world stood still for what seemed to be an eternity. I was home alone. Tom at work, Carly at school and Abby at daycare. I stood in my bedroom, in shock and confusion. I stood there with my baby in my hand. Our child was only a little over 3 months gestation, and here I was holding not knowing what to do with my child.

The morning started out relatively normal. Rising to the beautiful Arizona sunshine and preparing for the day ahead just like we did everyday. After everyone left is when things started to go wrong. Many points are blurry, but the most intense moments are just as vivid as the day it happened. Mid morning I decided to go to the bathroom... upon wiping I noticed a little blood. First thought was OK, this is OK. But when it didn't stop, I became frantic. I had no idea who to call, what to do, or where to go. I *think* I called my friend and I *think* I couldn't get ahold of her, so I called my nursing teacher. She advised me to call the doctor or go to the nearest hospital. I then called my mom. I do remember that. She told me to calm down. Then I go blank.

Next memory I have is going back to the bathroom. At that point the baby came out. Completely in the sack. In my hand. In total disbelief (even though I could clearly see that it was a baby with two arms, two legs, a trunk and a head), I kept the baby there in my hands for a moment- cradling it while rocking back and forth on the toilet sobbing like never before. After what seemed to be a lifetime, I wrapped my baby in a paper towel and put it into a zip lock baggy. I draw a blank from here.

The next thing I know, I am at the hospital ER examining room. By myself. No friends, no family. I did not even call Tom to let him know what was going on. I give the doctor the baby, and she confirms that I am not pregnant anymore. DNC is done. Ativan is given to me. I call Tom. He comes. I then, and only then, tell him that the baby is gone. He never got to say goodbye. He never got to see him (or her) and never got to hold him. I am sorry for taking that away from you.

Now here we are, almost 5 years later. With our three beautiful, healthy daughters... for which we are truly grateful for. Our little lost gift is always in our hearts and thoughts- and will never be forgotten. And in my heart, I really believe that our little lost gift was our baby boy that we never had- and that for some reason, God had other plans for him.

There are many stories like mine... so please, in honor of all the miscarriages and lost babys, light a candle tonight and think of us... think of them. :)